When I think about my history it seems really complex. I also have an issue with over sharing. The point I am trying to make with this blog is not where I have been though. It’s more about what I’m experiencing and where I am going, so I am going to do my best to make this concise.
I was born in 1992. My dad is 100% Indian and immigrated from there when he was 18. My mother is Italian, Czechoslovakian, and some other things we’re not quite sure about. I had a relatively normal childhood. My parents provided for my brother and me, my grandmother lived with us and took care of us, and my family was pretty loving. I remember feeling alone a lot though. My brother has a reading disability and that really took up a lot of my parents time. They were constantly working with him on his school work and making sure he did what he needed to do. I was happy sometimes though, but at other times I was really sad. My thoughts were always racing and I was criticized by my family for talking A LOT.
When I was 10 though, my life changed. My parents were arrested for conspiracy to commit theft. They had been buying merchandise from a man in Georgia for their business and apparently he was selling them stolen merchandise. They were unaware of this, but that point was irrelevant. The other parties lied in court saying they were aware and because my parents signed over the checks to these people to buy the merchandise the government had more than enough to sentence them. After fighting for 2 years, they finally got their judgment. My father got 10 years in a federal prison camp and my mom got 5. My emotional and mental struggles became seriously prevalent. I would cut myself, fall into depression, and even write notes when I considered committing suicide.
Once they left for prison it just got worse. I was 13 and experimenting with pills, sex, weed, and alcohol. I was still depressed a lot, but at times would feel this innate high. I felt like I could change, make things better, and formulate and reach goals. This would only last a short time though, before the depression kicked back in. I saw 3 different psychologist and 2 psychiatrist. They tried to put me on Prozac, but I just tried to snort it (bad idea), instead of just taking it as instructed. I wasn’t ready to seek help.
Then, I got involved in an abusive relationship that seriously spiraled out of control. I finally had enough though and left the son of a bitch. A year later I reunited with an old friend and she and I “fell in love.” That relationship was rocky too though. We dated for a month, broke up for 5 months, dated for 7 months, broke up for 11, and then finally got back together for about 5 years.
I graduated high school in the top 20% (despite my emotional high and lows), and even got accepted into the University of Central Florida. I moved away for school with my girlfriend at the time (I don’t like labels, but I consider myself pansexual). I majored in psychology at UCF and did my best to do well in school. That time was really rough for me though. I was in and out of suicidal thoughts, had highs and lows, and even continued to cut when things got really overwhelming.
My experience though hit its threshold of emotional instability and mental strain the last 6 weeks of my undergraduate career. The girl I was with and I had been having some hard times. She let me experience and explore some of my sexual fantasies though and I was grateful. I made the (extremely stupid) decision to let her experience something as well. I gave her a “pass.” I told her she could sleep with one girl of her choice, one time only, and I wouldn’t be upset. I honestly trusted her, and we were actually engaged at that point.
The shit hit the fan though. She ended up really having strong feelings for the girl she chose to “sleep with only 1 time.” She told me she wasnt sure she wanted to be with me anymore, but couldn’t give me a definite answer. She led me on for about 2 weeks. Apparently after 1 week though, her and this other girl started dating (she didn’t tell me, but deep down I knew). She would tell me that we were still moving back home together once I graduated, she wanted to be friends, she still cared for me, and all that jazz.
Things went from bad to worse though. The girl she was now with was involved with something at work where they though she had stolen money from the safe. My ex was also now a suspect. Due to the experience with my parents being falsely accused of something, I felt bad and wanted to make sure she didn’t get in trouble. I spent all my time and energy on her. I tried to make things right, tried to make things easy, did her favors, and exhausted my self trying to be a good friend. She then started to refuse to give me her half of the rent and told me her new girl needed it.
At this point I was on an emotional roller coaster. I wanted nothing more than to die. The girl I was engaged to, who told me she’d never leave me, who I invested EVERYTHING in was now taking advantage of me, and I was letting her. I started finding random guys online and having sex. Lots, and lots, of sex. I did anything and everything to numb the pain. I was also going on shopping sprees, speeding, and engaging in any sort of risky behavior.
Things changed for me the night before my commencement. I was at my apartment working on decorating my cap and my ex came in the door with all of her clothes and items. Her new gf kicked her out because she believed that me and my ex still have some sort of relationship going on. This is the night my ex told me everything. I sat there quietly and listened as she informed me of how and when she cheated, how she loved this girl, when she fell out of love with me, and how badly she felt for hurting the other girls feelings (but never really mentioned hurting me). I even hugged her as she cried.
I immediately text my best guy friend, Angelo. I met him when I was 14, and he helped me get through the abusive relationship. He also was aware of this current breakup and was helping me through it, even though this time he was all the way in Australia (he moved there in 2012). That night he confessed to me that he had always loved me and he was willing to try a long distance relationship with me. I too had loved him for a long time, but when I was 14 he was 18 and he wasn’t comfortable having a relationship with me at that time.
He understands me more than anyone ever has, he knows EVERYTHING I have been through, he knows the good, the bad, and the ugly, and yet he still has love for me. He knew I was still fragile and didn’t mind having to piece me back together after what my ex did to me emotionally. We decided to give a long distance relationship a try, and that was the beginning of a new journey for me.