Seeking help–pt. 1

After all of my life experiences it would make sense for someone like me to be in therapy. It also makes sense since I majored in psychology for my bachelors and I’m pursuing a masters in mental health counseling. I have to admit though I was ashamed to be asking for help.

I would tell my mom about my depression and suicidal thoughts and she would reply with “well I mean, you studied psychology, shouldn’t you be able to fix yourself?” This gave me a mind-set that maybe I should be able to fix myself, and if I can’t what’s wrong with me? So I was even more reluctant to seek help.

A few months after being with Angelo though, my emotions got really out of control. First, I mentioned how I wanted to buy a house and for about 2 weeks I was persistent. Telling him I WILL get my house, and I’ll work as much as I need to. I was really gunning for it. After that though I dropped into a depression. Telling him I’ll never reach my goals, and how worthless I feel. My depression would also sometimes lead me into irritability and anger. I also would get anxious and nervous. About every 2 weeks me and him would get into an argument (that I of course started). I was insecure, aggressive, depressed, manic, anxious, and even suicidal.

Despite my array of emotions, I have always been a pretty level-headed and logical person. I knew that I needed some type of help. Angelo helped me into realizing that maybe I should reach out for assistance with my mental and emotional issues. He supported me and encouraged me. Deep down I knew though that I needed to seek help if I wanted this relationship to work. I didn’t want him to suffer though my emotional mess and I didn’t want to suffer myself anymore.

I decided to contact my insurance about possible providers for mental health. They gave me a few names and sent me a 20 page packet with different therapist I could contact. Now, I’m really into research, and literally research everything and anything before I experience it. So naturally that happened when it came to finding help. I went page after page researching therapist. I looked up their credentials and their reviews. When I found a good handful of people I started making calls. I probably called about 10 different therapist. Three of them stopped taking my insurance and the rest never called me back. This process went on for about 3 weeks.

I was getting frustrated and angry. I FINALLY decided to ask for help, and what was I getting? NOTHING. I stopped looking for about a week and then Angelo and I had another argument. I couldn’t help but feel trapped inside of myself with my emotions. I had so much going on inside of my head that I was taking it out on this amazing guy. I finally found someone who treats me right, doesn’t take advantage of me, encourages me, puts me first, and understands me, and I was ruining it. I decided to give it one last attempt.  I called this office for a therapist and was told he no longer was taking my insurance, I almost broke down in tears and told the receptionist about my struggle in finding someone to talk to. She was really sweet and told me that there was another therapist I could speak with who DID take my insurance and she was in the same office.

I finally started to see some small glimmer of hope.

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