First, I know it’s been a while since I last posted. I don’t really think it matters since there aren’t many people who will read this or come across this blog, but to put it out there this is something that occurs often. It’s hard for me to keep up with things. I’m not sure if it because of my inner battles or if it is just part of my personality because I always have so much going on. Either way, I’m still going to do my best to keep up with this.
After the debacle with the LMHC that belittled me and made me feel worthless I went back to my therapist, Bonnie. She was very comforting and told me that she had a psychiatrist I could try, but she didn’t accept my insurance so she wasn’t sure how much I would have to pay out of pocket. At this point I didn’t care one bit because this was my last attempt to find medical help.
A few weeks went by and I had my appointment with the new psychiatrist. I was so nervous. Luckily there was another young man in the waiting room and we got to talking, which helped my anxiety. It was finally my turn to enter the room and I sat down across from the doctor. She asked me an array of questions and I felt a little bit of relief each time I answered. When we got to the end of the questions though that’s when she told me that I was on the bipolar spectrum. I can’t really say I was surprised because I had thought I was since I was 13, but I was always told that I wasn’t. In that moment with the psychiatrist though, it was somewhat comforting to know that maybe there was a reasoning behind my constant emotional roller coaster.
At this point the doctor prescribed me 300mg Welbutrin for depression and concentration. She had hope that mania wouldn’t occur to a point of impacting me. By the second day I felt great though. That when I actually designed this page and wrote my first few things.
I feel like the side effect of extreme euphoria eventually subsided after 2 weeks, but at that point I stopped eating. My appetite was completely gone. In the next two weeks I lost over 5 lbs. My parents got worried, as did my boyfriend. Considering the way that my mind works, not having to eat and losing weight seemed great to me (I’m overweight), and my boyfriend especially knew that I might take it too far. He stayed on top of me about eating and after 4/5 weeks my appetite returned.
Once I let the medication regulate I started noticing a pattern. Every night around 6-7pm I felt like I would crash. My happiness quickly faded to irritation and then I felt like I was in a rage. I would have to lock myself in my room and just cry because if anyone talked to me I would snap at them, get really mean, and feel like I wanted to break shit.
I brought this up to the psychiatrist and she said that didn’t make sense. The welbutrin had a 24 hour half life and should carry into the next day. I explained that I understood that and I’m not telling her this to change the dose or medication. I just want it to stop. She suggested we add 150mg to the current 300mg, but I take the 150 later in the day and it’s got a 12 hour half life. I agreed because I wasn’t trying to start over with new medication and I wanted to feel “normal” emotionally.
After a week the difference was insane! My boyfriend noticed such an improvement he’d make little comments like “oh, someone tool their medicine today.” While this might be seen as rude/offensive, it’s not! He’s been so supportive and this showed me that not only did I feel different, but it was noticeable to other.