So things were great after finding the right medication and the right dosage. Things were easier, my boyfriend and I were happier, and I felt like I had the right combination of help. Towards the end of 2015 though things got a little stressful.
My boyfriend was moving from Australia back to the US and we were looking for a place together. After some time and effort I found us a nice apartment. Now I just needed him to come home! He got here and oh my god were things great! All the stress was worth it.
After about 2 weeks my newly found balance wavered. My emotions went wild. I would start fights, lock myself in the room, drink, slam doors, scream at my boyfriend. I had regressed back to the state I was in before medication. I also started impulsively shopping and spending money I should’ve have spent. It was time to take a trip back to the psychiatrist.
I told her what was going on. Everything was fine and my boyfriend didn’t do much to provoke the fights, or my attitude. The changes just got to me. My perfectly balanced boat was rocked. And I wasn’t handling that well, so my mood reflected that. The psychiatrist thought it was time to add a mood stabilizer because my mania wasnt necessarily self grandeur, but it was irritation and it showed it self more with the welbutrin and a change in my situation. She decided to add 50mg of lamictal to my daily medical cocktail. After 4 weeks she was going to increase it to 100mg.
I had left the doctor feeling reluctant. I didn’t want to take another medication. I didn’t need it! I needed relief, yes, but this couldn’t be the only way. My lovely boyfriend though convinced me to take it and gave me all the support he could.
The next 4 weeks were hell. I thought I was bad before, but while taking the lamictal I felt worse. I kept having suicidal thoughts, and our fights intensified, as did my rage. Then I would break down crying and tell my boyfriend how I didn’t want to take the medication. I even broke down to my brother.
The next meeting with my psychiatrist was one that was much needed. I told her I didn’t want to stay on the lamictal. I told her what it did to me and how I don’t like it. She very nicely told me it wasn’t the lamictal. I looked at her confused and she told me it was my mood disorder. That the increase to 100mg should help and we could try it for just a little while and see how that went. Once again, I reluctantly agreed.