Battling Myself

So at this point I have pretty much explained  my experience up to date. There are a few recent changes though.
I was on 100mg of Lamictal for about 4 months and last month it was increased to 200mg. At this point I’m not even sure if it’s working or not. I have my really good days, really mediocre days, and really bad days. We increased the Lamictal to 200mg mostly because how I get right before my period. I go into a major depressive episode and it’s really been impeding me in day-to-day activities. The increase has definitely helped me with this, but the other days throughout the month have just been odd.

Mostly what’s been happening is that I wake up extremely irritated/upset. It’s been at least once a week. I think the main reason is because I’m having nightmares/bad dreams/stress dreams. These actually started when I first began taking the Lamictal back in January. I told the psychiatrist and my therapist. They both told me that it is not a side effect of Lamictal, and pretty much that it is just me. When I first noticed and brought this to their attention I had a lot of stress I was dealing with. My parents were renewing their vows for their 30yr anniversary and I was planning an entire wedding for 100 people all by myself. Mind you I was taking 3 graduate classes and 2 classes to become a BCBA. When I’m under a lot of stress I do get nightmares and bad dreams, but these new ones are different. They’re extremely vivid and I wake up almost in a rage.

I’ve done a lot of looking around online and I’ve seen a few people that wake up in a rage from the Lamictal and I’ve also seen others who are suffering from the vivid bad dreams. When I told my therapist she told me I shouldn’t be looking online because the information can be really inaccurate and I don’t know if they’re telling the truth. I guess I get her point, but I really want to know why this keeps happening.

I’m also to the point of not wanting to change my medication again. I know it’s stupid, but I am tired of the trial and error bullshit. I understand psychotropic medication isn’t an exact science, but I don’t have the patience to keep trying different medicines. I feel like I am at a constant war with myself though. I want to feel better, but then I don’t have the patience, but then the medication seems like it’s working, but then something feels off. I definitely feel somewhat lost, but I am going to tough it out!





2 thoughts on “Battling Myself

  1. Hello! : ) First time reading your blog! I would go with your instinct about Lamictal. I am not a doctor, but for me, when you said the dreams were VIVID, that is not a normal thing for me, but happens on a new medication – is it that way for you too? I have taken Lamictal for at least a decade, but everyone reacts differently to everything. Researching my disorder, medications, symptoms, etc.,has been SO helpful for me as well as my doctors. I am really surprised your doctor told you not to look online – like – EVER about your illness? Never? My doctors have always seemed to actually appreciate it and it has started great conversations where I learned quite a bit but never knew to ask about a particular topic. Several years ago, I did not understand what could possibly be wrong with me, and after researching, it seemed like the symptoms for dysphoria fit exactly how I was feeling. At my appointment I told my doctor what symptoms I had, told him what I had found online and asked his opinion about it, and he agreed that yes, I was dysphoric. It was even in the notes that were sent to the doctor that I have now – that I had discovered it myself and he agreed. No one knows how you feel or what you are thinking better than yourself – even your doctor, you know? Heck YES you should be researching your symptoms and not blindly listening and believing what one person tells you! : ) : ) But that is only my opinion – do not want your doctor at my door in a grim reaper outfit, LOL! HUGS!!! xoxo


    • First, thank you so much for reading my blog. It’s insane because I started this thinking it was silly and no one would ever read it, but I get a few people here and there that do and it just makes my day!! Yea, the vivid nightmares are kinda difficult to analyze. Like, I do have vivid nightmares from time to time, ever since I was little. Having them every night though?..that’s new. Although I can say that they have seem to lessen some. It’s went from every night to every few nights. Also, thank you for sharing about your experience with the doctors! I’m not 100% sure why she thinks it’s bad to research my disorder. Part of me thinks it’s because she doesnt want me to find false information or to convince myself I have something I dont. I’m not like that, but I guess she is just concerned (doesn’t actually stop me though lol). I think it is great that you were able to pretty much diagnose yourself. You’re definitely right that no one knows us better than ourselves 🙂 Thank you so much for your opinion though. I hope all is well with you and look forward to hearing more from you!!! xoxoxoxo


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